On the topic of enthusiasm

While grading essays, I came across these gems, both in the same essay:

"This quote is by a philosopher, a quote by a man who deals in the netherworld, a man who dabbles in romanticism."

(You'll have to excuse him, he's been dabbling in the netherworld lately)

"To be one of the best football players you much be lightning quick, sly as a tiger, ferocious like a lion. One would need the determination of a rhino and the speed of a snake."

(Who knew that rhinos were so determined?)

Grading essays is often dull but sometimes, stuff like this happens and it makes it almost worthwhile.

It's impossible to not dislike me

Sometimes, I have entirely irrational urges. For instance...last night, the cute waiter at Fred 62 was pouring my leftover noodles and soup into a take out container. While he was doing this, I had the sudden urge to karate chop the bowl out of his hand while yelling "NOODLES!" I obviously didn't but the thought certainly crossed my mind. How would he react? What would the noodles look like as the sprayed across the table, likely decorating my friends with their vermicilli goodness? Could I have then been justified on going on a take-out destroying spree, knocking over other patron's dishes all while identifying their food at top volume? CHEESE BURGER! WAFFLE SUNDAE! SCRAMBLED EGGS! Would they kick me out? Would anyone be able to stop me? These thoughts flashed across my mind while Joey unsuspectingly helped me with my noo-deli noodles. Luckily, they were only a flash and instead of going on a food rampage, I got a hug and a new myspace buddy. How late 2006.

Only girls can have multiple blogs, right?

Some background info: I work at a company that manages layout sites. Users submit these layouts and with them, descriptions. One would assume that when asked to describe a purple teddy bear and pink polka dots, people would write something like "Oh, that's a purple teddy bear with some pink polka dots in the background." This would be an incorrect assumption.

Layout: Black background with pink and blue swirls
Description: This layuot is so cute and it expresses love in a sexy way.True compassion and it promises the insight of romance!

Does this make sense to anyone? This person's grip on the english language is so loose that phrases are just slipping through their fingertips and spilling all over the internet. This is one of the better descriptions too. There are the fantastic non-sensical ones that proclaim things such as 'This liazout is the beste YO! ADD me" or the ones that says things like "be ballin wit me naz to seef my moni." Sometimes, I wonder what goes through people's heads when they are typing this sort of stuff. There has to be some cognative process that makes a person hit these keys and think it's a good idea. What that process is? I have no idea. All I know is that since I took this job, my faith in general humanity has been sliding down the drain.

Being that our beloved boss is out of the office, Eli and I took the opportunity to figure out if our company webcam works. It does. Neither of us are technologically savvy enough to figure out how to transfer the videos from one computer to the next, much less on to the internet. We work for a tech company. My life is a joke.

Employers are looking at your ass

I have hired several people to work at my little internet company and sure enough, I have checked out several asses. When you put out work resumes, make sure that you are not searchable on Myspace and if you are, for the love of god, put on some pants. Today I was treated to the BBW modeling photographs of a potential programming candidate. I have nothing against big, beautiful women but really, I did not need to see this woman's Rubenesque bottom devour a pair of lacy boyshorts whole. I certainly did not want to see her straining to cup her overflowing breasts in her sausage fingers as she made eyes at the camera either. Another woman emailed me saying that her computer broke and so she didn't have a resume handy (really impressive for a programmer) but that she did indeed have a Myspace page. Indeed she did and yet again, she was in her underwear, giving her camera phone her best come-hiter look. Is there no one around to appreciate her gym-toned abs? Does no one else care about her plastic mammaries? Why do I have to be subjected to this? I'm sure this woman has at least a few gym rats who ogle her in her pantied glory.

The moral of the story is that if you're naked on the internet, make sure that your potential employers don't know that. How seriously could I possibly take you in an interview if I've seen you in your panties. Panties is a silly word to begin with and an even sillier article of clothing. Just don't do it, lest you become the laughing stock of the office before you even work here.


Office conversation main room 12:12pm
Boss: Hey Pam, did you know that we got a big chocolate basket? Feel free to have some.
Me: Big chocolate basket...some of my favorite words there.
Eli: Big Chocolate Basket was my nickname in high school.
Me: (dissolving in fit of giggles)
Boss: Huh?
Eli: Nothing
Boss: (confused look)

Office conversation, at aforementioned chocolate basket 12:38
Eli: Chocolate cashews, wow.
Me: I totally want to try Intense Dark Citrus Sunset (holding up mini candy bar)
Eli: (laughs)
Me: What, you don't approve of INTENSE DARK CITRUS SUNSETS?
Eli:...that sounds like a douche.